i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
