he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Randomize
