Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
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