We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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