I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
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He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
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How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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