tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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