I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
