Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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