just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
