My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
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Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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