Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
