I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
