I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
wanna go halves on a baby?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
