Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
