And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
