I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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