I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
