Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
