i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
