Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
