i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
she told me i tasted like america
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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