Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
i came on her dog
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
