Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
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It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
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I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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