Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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