Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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