Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
