I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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