just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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