After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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