Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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