The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
