Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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