I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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