Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
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