i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
