I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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