singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
