Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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