On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
