I am puke
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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