my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Randomize
