dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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