I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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