I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Two words: blizzard sex
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
