I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
