Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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