She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
