i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
