tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
