I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
