She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
