I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
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