The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
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