Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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