i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
