Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
