Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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