All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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