Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
