I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Randomize
