I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
