I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
