If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
