If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
